I have had enough, so it is time for a rant.
I hate people – loathe them in fact, always wanting something from you like knowledge about how your day has been, how you are, what is happening in your world… when all that they really want is to steal some precious oxygen and prompt you to query them on things of vast importance to them but which have absolutely no merit to you (or anyone else for that matter).
The rhetorical questions that we ask one another in our daily lives, as if by rote, have been amplified through “social media phenomenons” like facebook and twitter.
Whilst I am a self confessed user of both – it makes sense in the industry that pays me to laze about drinking wine on the weekends; I loathe the new cretinous sub class of humanity that has been given birth by these tools.
The common variety facebook whore will have between 200-300 friends.
If they are using it for business purposes – well and good, however if, as was the case with one oxygen thief that I knew, one of these virtual parasites has, lets say 372 friends and then comes crying when “two people have deleted me from facebook”, expecting sympathy; then they may as well neck themselves and do us all a favour.
Fuck me… this, well, to put it bluntly, piece of human waste honestly expected me to care that she had lost two “friends” from her cast of hundreds – and, more to the point, was indignant when I asked her who they were.
“Well, um, I don’t know, but the point is that I am upset and my other friends cared but you don’t”
Indeed I don’t, and you had better wake the fuck up to yourself if you think that the measure of your worth is gauged by a number next to your name on an insidious marketing tool like facebook.
Who cares how many friends you have in the virtual world?
I have decided that enough is enough.
In the “real world” – the place that I choose to go about my daily life – you know, the one that requires effort, engagement on a real level, getting the fuck up out of bed in the morning even when you really can’t be arsed facing the world yet again, I probably have what I would consider 10-20 friends if one doesn’t count family and colleagues.
I got to the outrageous point whereby I had 120+ “friends” on facebook. Yes, I was guilty of allowing virtual friendless social parasites to befriend me, no doubt feeding their burgeoning friend lists with the arrogant fuel that their narcissistic desires fed merrily upon – but it was fun for me to imagine their horror and despair when they scanned their “friends” list only to discover that it had been reduced by one when I evilly deleted them.
Basically my new strategy with facebook is thus:
- if I like you, you are in
- if I work with you, to avoid complications and uneasy lunchroom conversation and you don’t have a direct line to HR or the exec com team, you are in
- if there is some kind of mutual benefit to us being linked virtually (say, you can get me backstage at Cradle of Filth) you are in
- if I would have a beer/wine or selected spirit with you without having to put my mind into neutral, you are in
- if we have shared a night of drunken debauchery that doesn’t bear repeating here, you are probably in
- if you were to tell me that your mother/father/brother/sister/cat/significant other had suffered a hideous disfigurement and I envisage that I couldn’t care less, you are out.
- if I really don’t give a fuck what you are having for dinner, what time you are going to work, what your kids are doing, what household chores you are performing, what illness you are currently suffering, what you are doing on the weekend, how miserable you are feeling or what the fuck is going on with you and the love of your fucking life – you are out.
- If you are a grade A oxygen thief – then that is my fault, you should never have been on the list in the first place.
Call me arrogant – I don’t give a fuck, but the time has come people – time to take a stand.
Who really cares if:
- “Jemima really wishes that she didn’t have to work today” – toughen up bitch, the rest of us are dragging our arses out of bed
- “Johnny is pissed off that he missed out on tix for Vibes” – get a fuckin Visa debit you moaning fuck
- “George is devastated that Chloe left him for the pool boy” – should have learned how to fuck George – and waxed your back
- “Matilda is drunk” – gee, thanks for that pearl of wisdom you sad fuck
- “Cleopatra is hunting for Antony” – there are dating sites for that.
What I want to read are things like:
- “Nathan is really pleased with the quality of his new midget butler”
- “Harold has mastered the Pakistani Drill Press”
- “Lethal was not amused by the Angry Pirate that she had received”
- “Clint was devastated that he only had a handful more weeks of Warhawk left”
Get creative people – noone really gives a fuck if you are downtrodden, oppressed or bitter – that is what the news is for.
Harden up and cull people, cull until you can cull no more – even if it means culling me.
Time to commit some more congregaticide (faux latin for social networking culling)
