Raven Paradox

I have had enough, so it is time for a rant.

I hate people - loathe them in fact, always wanting something from you like knowledge about how your day has been, how you are, what is happening in your world… when all that they really want is to steal some precious oxygen and prompt you to query them on things of vast importance to them but which have absolutely no merit to you (or anyone else for that matter).

The rhetorical questions that we ask one another in our daily lives, as if by rote, have been amplified through “social media phenomenons” like facebook and twitter.

Whilst I am a self confessed user of both - it makes sense in the industry that pays me to laze about drinking wine on the weekends; I loathe the new cretinous sub class of humanity that has been given birth by these tools.

The common variety facebook whore will have between 200-300 friends.

If they are using it for business purposes - well and good, however if, as was the case with one oxygen thief that I knew, one of these virtual parasites has, lets say 372 friends and then comes crying when “two people have deleted me from facebook”, expecting sympathy; then they may as well neck themselves and do us all a favour.

Fuck me… this, well, to put it bluntly, piece of human waste honestly expected me to care that she had lost two “friends” from her cast of hundreds - and, more to the point, was indignant when I asked her who they were.

“Well, um, I don’t know, but the point is that I am upset and my other friends cared but you don’t”

Indeed I don’t, and you had better wake the fuck up to yourself if you think that the measure of your worth is gauged by a number next to your name on an insidious marketing tool like facebook.

Who cares how many friends you have in the virtual world?

I have decided that enough is enough.

In the “real world” - the place that I choose to go about my daily life - you know, the one that requires effort, engagement on a real level, getting the fuck up out of bed in the morning even when you really can’t be arsed facing the world yet again, I probably have what I would consider 10-20 friends if one doesn’t count family and colleagues.

I got to the outrageous point whereby I had 120+ “friends” on facebook. Yes, I was guilty of allowing virtual friendless social parasites to befriend me, no doubt feeding their burgeoning friend lists with the arrogant fuel that their narcissistic desires fed merrily upon - but it was fun for me to imagine their horror and despair when they scanned their “friends” list only to discover that it had been reduced by one when I evilly deleted them.

Basically my new strategy with facebook is thus:

• if I like you, you are in
• if I work with you, to avoid complications and uneasy lunchroom conversation and you don’t have a direct line to HR or the exec com team, you are in
• if there is some kind of mutual benefit to us being linked virtually (say, you can get me backstage at Cradle of Filth) you are in
• if I would have a beer/wine or selected spirit with you without having to put my mind into neutral, you are in
• if we have shared a night of drunken debauchery that doesn’t bear repeating here, you are probably in
• if you were to tell me that your mother/father/brother/sister/cat/significant other had suffered a hideous disfigurement and I envisage that I couldn’t care less, you are out.
• if I really don’t give a fuck what you are having for dinner, what time you are going to work, what your kids are doing, what household chores you are performing, what illness you are currently suffering, what you are doing on the weekend, how miserable you are feeling or what the fuck is going on with you and the love of your fucking life - you are out.
• If you are a grade A oxygen thief - then that is my fault, you should never have been on the list in the first place.

Call me arrogant - I don’t give a fuck, but the time has come people - time to take a stand.

Who really cares if:

• “Jemima really wishes that she didn’t have to work today” - toughen up bitch, the rest of us are dragging our arses out of bed
• “Johnny is pissed off that he missed out on tix for Vibes” - get a fuckin Visa debit you moaning fuck
• “George is devastated that Chloe left him for the pool boy” - should have learned how to fuck George - and waxed your back
• “Matilda is drunk” - gee, thanks for that pearl of wisdom you sad fuck
• “Cleopatra is hunting for Antony” - there are dating sites for that.

What I want to read are things like:

• “Nathan is really pleased with the quality of his new midget butler”
• “Harold has mastered the Pakistani Drill Press”
• “Lethal was not amused by the Angry Pirate that she had received”
• “Clint was devastated that he only had a handful more weeks of Warhawk left”

Get creative people - noone really gives a fuck if you are downtrodden, oppressed or bitter - that is what the news is for.

Harden up and cull people, cull until you can cull no more - even if it means culling me.

Time to commit some more congregaticide (faux latin for social networking culling)

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Green has been “the new black” for some time now… now it seems as if one can offset ones middle class guilt simply by purchasing a mobile phone plan.

The premise seems to be to be that one can drive ones V8, set up a wall of plasma TV screens, have a coal pit burining in ones back yard to melt down all the plastic shopping bags - whatever one pleases… and then, if one grabs one of these mobile phone plans, one can undo all the damage and erase any simmering middle class guilt without having to stop washing, growing dreadlocks and cooking lentils over tealight candles.

Fantastic idea I reckon, I might have to sign up for one so that I don’t have to move to Brunswick…

Green mobile phone plans… I suppose it had to happen.

Dirty filthy hippie

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People often ask the question “how do I appear on the first page of google?”

There are many different ways that one can go about doing this, but they almost all involve SEO or Search Engine Optimisation.

What a lot of people don’t tend to realise is that building a website that will rank well for chosen keywords and phrases isn’t really rocket surgery. People in the website/search engine optimisation business do carry around vials of smoke and pocketfuls of mirrors - and why wouldn’t they, it keeps them living in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

Search is a highly competitive industry, and google is constantly coming up with more succinct methods to ensure that you, their client (well, after all, in this country, google does account for over 90% of all search) wil keep coming back - this has given rise to the search engine optimisation industry - the proponents of which will do what they can to achieve a result for their clients that firstly:

• gets them to appear on the first page of google
• keeps them appearing on the first page of google

I am currently conducting a little experiment about how to appear on the first page of google. It is mischief combined with SEO and more than a little cheekiness… wonder how it will go… will I appear on the first page of google for the terms “appear on the first page of google”?

Check back to see some time…

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How does one appear on the first page of google?

There are many methods, one can employ black hat SEO techniques to get a placing on the first page of google, and risk being penalised (which isn’t all that bad if you are just running a short campaign or want to have some fun) - but if you want your site to appear consistently on the first page of google, it is far better to utilise what are known as white SEO hat techniques.

Truth be told, I am not going to go into the methods that I use to assist people to appear on the first page of google with their chosen key words and phrases and am really just attempting to make a bit of mischief and see if I can knock off @jimboot (Jim Stewart) from Stewart Media who currently happens to hold the #1 position for the search phrase “appear on the first page of google“.

Jim sort of set a bit of a challenge, threw down the gauntlet if you will at one of his recent SEO workshops, to see if anyone could knock him off from that position. Whilst I don’t think that this particular site has a hope in hell of taking away that his position at the top of the first page of google for that search phrase, I thought I would be cheeky and give it a crack.

I might even have to link back to his page with some anchor text like knocking jimboot off the first result for appearing on the first page of google

SEO is an enjoyable pastime to indulge in and it is about time that I had a bit of fun. So, let’s see if I can get a page one result for the search term and appear on the first page of google with this post.

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The below speech was made by Anthony Albanese - member for Grayndler - on the 6th of April, 1998.

Outside of anything ever uttered by The Great Man, it ranks,for mine, as possibly the greatest Australian parliamentary speech ever made. It paints such an accurate picture of our current prime minister that had this been made required reading back in 1998, we would have been rid of the menace that is John Howard a very long time ago:

“Today my grievance is against the Prime Minister (Mr Howard) for his failure to provide leadership. You can trim the eyebrows; you can cap the teeth; you can cut the hair; you can put on different glasses; you can give him a ewe’s milk facial, for all I care; but, to paraphrase a gritty Australian saying, ‘Same stuff, different bucket.’ In the pantheon of chinless blue bloods and suburban accountants that makes up the Australian Liberal Party, this bloke is truly one out of the box. You have to go back to Billy McMahon to find a Prime Minister who even approaches this one for petulance, pettiness and sheer grinding inadequacy. I read the late Paul Hasluck’s description of Billy McMahon, and I cannot find a thing that does not describe this Prime Minister equally well:

I confess to a dislike of McMahon. The longer one is associated with him the deeper the contempt for him grows and I find it hard to allow him any merit. Disloyal, devious, dishonest, untrustworthy, petty, cowardly - all these adjectives have been weighed by me and I could not in truth modify or reduce any one of them in its application to him.

In John Howard, here also is a man, small in every sense. Some have said that he is the worst Prime Minister since Billy McMahon. That is unfair to Billy McMahon. I am one of the few people who have opened up and read David Barnett’s biography of John Howard. I have to admit I have not read it all, because it is impossible to stay awake. I did, however, get to page 17. Here Barnett outlines Howard taking six weeks off work to campaign for the McMahon government. Was Billy McMahon grateful? Barnett outlined:

An appointment was arranged with McMahon in his office in Parliament House. Howard was ushered in, and Bill McMahon jumped to his feet. “No” he said. “I don’t want to see him.” Then McMahon, who also had an appointment with a Japanese delegation, stopped himself. “I thought you were Japanese” he explained.

Barnett goes on to explain what John Howard’s incredibly crucial and high-powered job was in the McMahon campaign; he was given the job of rolling the manual autocue built into McMahon’s podium. How appropriate. In this book Howard is quoted as saying of McMahon ‘he arrived in the job too old and too late’- this from a man who was born old and for whom time has stood still.

But the gulf, Mr Deputy Speaker, between the man in his mind - the phlegmatic, proud old English bulldog - the Winston of John Winston Howard - and the nervous, jerky, whiny apparition that we all see on the box every night. When he looks on the box he gets to see what we see - not the masterful orator of his mind but the whingey kid in his sandpit. Spare a thought for us, Mr Deputy Speaker, because we have to watch this performance every day - the chin and top lip jutting out in ‘full duck mode’.

This prime ministership is not about the future of our nation. It is about John Winston Howard’s past. We do not hear about the future of this nation when we listen to this Prime Minister. In every performance all we get are his life’s grievances. All we get is the accumulated bitterness and bile of 13 long years in opposition and the people he blames for keeping him there.

John Winston Howard grew up in the inner west of Sydney. His father owned a service station on the corner of the street where I now live. These were the halcyon days of little Winston’s life - when the working classes knew their place and when all migrants were British. Lucky John Winston Howard moved further north across the harbour. He certainly would not be comfortable living in the inner west of Sydney any more. A bit too much change for his lifetime.

John Howard has always been proud to call himself a conservative. The problem I think is that he has confused this with preservative. He probably wishes good old Ming had dosed the country with formaldehyde when he had the chance. Because it all started going wrong in the late 1960s. Here is a man who lived at home until he was 32. You can imagine what he was like. Here were young Australians demonstrating against the Vietnam War, listening to the Doors, driving their tie-died kombi vans, and what was John Howard doing? He was at home with mum, wearing his shorts and long white socks, listening to Pat Boone albums and waiting for the Saturday night church dance.

Yes, it all started to go wrong back in the 1960s. Radical and sinister notions of equality for women, world peace and, dare I say it, citizenship rights for indigenous Australians. So what do we hear when we listen to John Winston Howard today? We hear the hatred and resentment in his voice - the sort of hatred and resentment we saw at the reconciliation conference last year - hatred and resentment from a man who was never part of the scene, who was not accepted, for whom a different life was too big a leap and who took refuge in a previous generation. You can see it in his instinctive hatred of any progression, and he sees it everywhere - policies of social inclusion, multiculturalism, women’s liberation, Aboriginal reconciliation. In all of them he only ever sees the jump he was too weak to make decades ago. Now he wants the whole nation to stay back and keep him company.

Try an interesting little exercise some day. Punch `Howard’ and `multiculturalism’ into the Hansard database. You will find he has never mentioned the word. When you punch in `Howard’ and ‘multicultural’ you do get it nine times but each and every time he is referring to the Minister for Immigration and Multicultural Affairs. This is the man we have leading the country - a man who is so instinctively petty and so bitterly obsessed that he could craft an entire parliamentary career without mentioning the word `multiculturalism’ and what that represents, because it is an idea he is opposed to. He is positive]y Orwellian in his pettiness. This is a smallness of mind, a meanness with breathtaking scope - I can just imagine his enormous pride at this aspect.

It is a small thing really but remember when the Spice Girls came to Australia at the beginning of the year? Everyone said it was just the silly season that the Prime Minister’s refusal to meet with them got so much press. Well it was and it was not. What did he say? He said it would not be ‘appropriate’ to meet with them. That is vintage John Winston Howard. If he really did not want to meet them he could have just said he was on holiday at Hawks Nest - same place, same flat every year for decades - with the family and that would have been fair enough. People would have respected that. But he could not resist. He could not resist telling the youth of Australia that he thought they were infantile and stupid and therefore it would be inappropriate to meet these people who, after all, are Tory supporters from Britain.

We have a man leading this country who is prepared always to go out of his way to insult people he does not like, but not with the courage to come out and say it but do it sneakily. Weakly and sneakily. Weaseling around the point. Remember when he decided to give Jeff Kennett a blast? He does not do what anyone else would do - go into parliament or outside and do a doorstep. He tells the coalition party room and then organises for one of his mates to leak it. No wonder Jeff thought it was so funny.

This is the man we have leading this country - yesterday’s man, a weak man, a little man, a man without courage and a man without vision. Billy McMahon in short pants. This is the man who has brought the full force of his personality to bear on Australia. Australia is now learning what it is like live life through John Howard’s eyes. This is the man whose only aim in the end - forgetting the prime ministership - was to pay back all those who had tried to stop him along the way. Australia is a better country than that and Australians are better people than that. Australians are, if we are anything, courageous people.

So steeped in conservative values and fear of what is new is John Winston Howard that, if he were born before the Wright brothers, he would have organised a campaign against air travel of any description on the grounds that it was new and potentially dangerous. He is an antique, a remnant of the past that should be put on display, but not in government and certainly not in a leadership position, for anachronisms belong in museums and historical texts, not in parliament. Australians deserve a courageous leader; they do not deserve the kind of leader that used to dob on them in the schoolyard. They do not deserve John Winston Howard and in time they will put him out to pasture. Roll on that day, come the federal election.”

Brilliant.

Roll on that day, come the federal election.

Technorati Tags: federal election, john howard, anthony albanese, paul keating, australian politics, pathetic little man, grayndler

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Some time this year, John W Howard will suffer the ignominy of a humiliating defeat.

It should have been (and perhaps still will be) at the hands of his long suffering treasurer Peter Costello.

Anyone who remembers John “The Boy Treasurer” Howard’s time at the helm of the economy in the Fraser government knows that Howard’s oft repeated mantra of “good economic managers” knows that the good fortunes that this country has enjoyed over the past 15 years or so have had little to do with Howard’s ability to manage the economy.Whilst rusted on Liberals will often trot out figures such as “17% interest rates under Labor”, they seem to forget that there were “22% interest rates under Howard”.

They also conveniently forget that it was the courageous and visionary reforms of Keating in the Hawke government of the mid to late eighties that set Australia on the path toward prosperity.

Costello has steered the ship competently but without the fiscal or economic vision that was Keating’s birthright.
He has been overshadowed by the dominant personality of Howard - without precedent as the most controlling party leader this nation has ever seen - he has attempted to speak out on social issues on occasion, to espouse his vision for a kinder, more forgiving, harmonious Australia but one gets the feeling that he has been privately chastised for doing so… his views on matters of social policy have often been in direct contrast to Howard’s.

Costello may make a good opposition leader, but would he make a good Prime Minister?

Sadly I don’t think that we will ever know. Howard shafted him on the leadership deal and Costello has never had the fortitude to stalk him from the back bench.

I am looking forward to the demise of John Howard. In all the time he has been Prime Minister of this country, he has done one wonderful thing - an undeniably wonderful thing - the introduction of gun control laws.

Aside from that, I cannot think of anything positive to say about the man. Certainly it can be said that he is tenacious and stubborn, a fighter perhaps but these attributes he displays to a fault.

He is quite possibly the nastiest, most divisive, intolerant, unkind, most mean spirited Prime Minister that this country has seen.

However his demise comes about, be it at the hands and pencils of the Australian people or the knife of Costello, it will be a sweet moment for all those who yearn for this country to return once again to the kind, tolerant, benevolent, open place it used to be.

I am sure that Paul J Keating wakes up with a massive grin each and every day.

Technorati Tags: Paul Keating, John Howard, Election 2007, Australian politics, Peter Costello

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The Australian had the good judgement to post this article by John Heard.

Heard is intentionally provocative, yet, for his age, quite well versed. Sadly though, his latest article does neither he nor his argument any justice:

God is not responsible

Whilst Heard violates all the requirements of a logical argument, it is worth reading not only what he has to say, but also the 10 pages of comments that his article attracted. It shouldn’t be too hard to make your own mind up:

(more…)

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Why did we vote this man out?

Australian politics has not and will probably never see his brilliance again.

A true visionary sadly misunderstood by the great unwashed.

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And in the news of the indescribable, this exceptionally odd case:

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSN0337093620070404

TORONTO (Reuters) - A Toronto school principal who pleaded guilty to throwing human excrement at a 12-year-old boy may get her job back, officials said on Tuesday.

“It’s quite possible she’ll end up back in her old position,” said Grant Bowers, a lawyer for the Toronto District School Board.

Maria Pantalone, 49, a sister of Toronto’s deputy mayor, was granted an absolute discharge on assault charges Monday after a judge said she “had already suffered enough,” according to court documents.

The charges stemmed from an incident on July 30, 2006, in which police said Pantalone threw feces at the boy, who was not one of her students, hitting him on the shoulder.

The circumstances of the assault cannot be described due to a court publication ban designed to protect the identity of the victim. The judge in the case, however, said they were unique.

“I couldn’t take it anymore. It was total, total frustration,” Pantalone testified, according to media reports.

She was suspended with pay from her position as an elementary school principal in August 2006.

In his ruling, the judge said Pantalone was “publicly embarrassed, if not humiliated. She has suffered more than most.”

Pantalone is on alternate assignment at school board offices and has no contact with students, Bower said.

Once the school board completes its own investigation, she could return to her previous duties.

“The investigation won’t take long,” Bower said. “The fact that she admitted to the offense is certainly a factor.”

A Toronto school board policy document details rules for the school at which Pantalone was principal that include the need to “show respect for yourself and others,” and “keep hands, feet and objects to yourself.”

Technorati Tags: faeces, feces, teacher, weird, toronto, reuters, scat

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Those crazy bastards over there in the sub-continent love their effigies don’t they?

It has always amused me the burning of effigies - even more so because it tends to be quite prolific amongst cricket fans. This is as amusing as it is confusing.

The poor old Pakistanis and Indians have suffered humiliating defeats at the hands of Ireland and Bangladesh respectively (I don’t know which would be worse considering Jason Gillespie’s double ton against Bangladesh)

It has gotten even worse though with Indian fans not only drowning pictures of their players:

… but storming and trashing the home of one of them:

What a bunch of fucking muppets!

I wonder what would happen if they were as mad about soccer as they are of cricket…

It is time that we introduced the art of effigy burning to Australia I believe - the Rugby World Cup should give us a great opportunity to hone our skills.

Technorati Tags: Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, Ireland, Cricket World Cup, effigy, effigies, funny, muppets

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